Waking Up From Deep Slumber

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I know I needed to do something about my life but I'm stuck in a bout of analysis-paralysis; I end up sleeping my days away. A few years ago I felt like I had so much more time than everybody else - I was 18 and fresh out of college. People my age were still in school and are still dawdling with childish pursuits while I was already working. I had a head start on building my adult life... or so I thought. I used to justify my inactivity to myself, thinking I had no resources, not much of a choice; but now that that I've really thought about it I recognize that it's all just a load of BS. I could've done something when I had the chance, if I just pushed myself to move, but I chose not to, and now I'm stuck in a future I never saw myself in 10, 5 years ago.

Still, I've been toying with the idea of trying to wake myself up from this cerebral hibernation and start becoming the kind of person that I once have been. I owe it to myself, I owe it to the people who still believe in me. And so...

I'm trying to take baby steps to change. Small habits that may or may not have contributed to my current "demise" (lack of a better term, sorry, I didn't mean for this to be as heavy as it sounds) would have to be controlled or totally eliminated. If I really want to start an internal revolution I can't keep on this cycle of sleeping-overeating-binge-

drinking-walking-around-like-a-zombie. In keeping with my random personality I'm starting this today instead of on the start of a New Year, or on my birthday. I would like to believe that I can instigate change upon myself whenever I choose to, whenever I want to, so here goes:

1. I resolve to take better care of myself. This encompasses a lot of things such as:

a. Not eating more than what is necessary to satisfy my hunger. I've been such a glutton for quite a while and not only is it unhealthy, it's also kinda stupid. Being with boys all the time aggravate the situation since I tend to follow their eating habits, but they're also starting to watch what they eat now so it should be relatively easier these days.

b. Setting a predetermined number of hours of sleep. I've read somewhere that 8 hours of sleep a day is already excessive for adults; and I stay in bed for (I think) an average of 10. It cuts back on time I can use for productive things and it's making me extremely sluggish and lethargic. Oooh, this is gonna be a tough one, though.

c. Exercising. Again, I'm sluggish, lethargic, and not to mention flabby (though that comes as a secondary concern) and I'm also not getting any younger. I normally go on physically-taxing trips and I figured the back and forth between behaving like sloth and then suddenly like an Amazing Race contestant is not gonna do me any good.

d. More water, more fun. I've been drowning myself in way too much caffeine and beer. 'Nuf said.

2. I resolve to read more and to not use not having internet/network tv/cable at home as an excuse for not keeping up with the times. These days there's no excuse for being ignorant. I'm trying to think of a personal quota on books I can read per month and news websites (legit) I can visit per day. (I'm already following CNN and Time on Twitter, wonder if that helps any.)

3. I resolve to go back to writing - afterall, it had been my passion once. I will not let the threat of mediocrity get the better of me; I resolve to work on getting better at my craft. Again, I wanna try to set a quota and keep on churning out stuff without worrying if they're good or not. Sabi nga ni John Mayer, "... Write one [song] at a time, never apologize for any of them, ever."

4. I want to be able give back to my friends so I wanna start doing little things for each of them. They've done so much for me and yet I feel like I haven't exactly been a great friend lately. Someday, sana, I can be worthy of your friendship.

5. I want to work on being a part of something bigger than myself. I've long since wanted to do volunteer work, to help out on a cause that I actually believe in. Let's see if I can finally do something about it.

Notes About Me From the Raconteur

"Xset's a rather nice young lass lost in a personal pilgrimage towards inner dawning and she still haven't figured that out yet... she's got comfortable (though rather bony) shoulders to cry on, a receptive ear for whining and crappy litanies but she's still not a person's ideal company if one fancy and/or tend to pop out sudden ideas contradicting her own over a cup o' java. she's a devil-womun hidin' behind a portrait of semi-frailty. be forewarned lass and laddies, i'll tell yous, she'll rip yer arms off then shove one down yer throat, the other up yer arse if ye'd get on her bad side."

-The Daily Rambler Magazine, August
issue 1998 by the foolish fawn

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sober Summer Days

I saw her dancing in the rain with saline flowing down her eyes
I think she really lost her mind
I said, “I wish there’s something I can do,”
She said, “Relax you don’t need to,”
“See, I’m just celebrating life”
And she raised her glass and held it tight
Lost within a bubbly doze of detrimental haze
Self-inflicted hell mistaken for a marvelous thing
Lost within a bubbly doze of detrimental haze
Care to step inside the light of sober summer days?
She spoke of magic dusts and poems
And all things missing from her soul,
But now she finally found a sign
Declaring love is finally there
Though it was wrong, she wouldn’t care
She stared down on the bleak concoction’s foam
She felt so right I wish I’m wrong

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"She adamantly dismiss her flaws as traits, etched by fire on stone, defining her as a woman of strength&character. A woman to love or avert;either one you chose wud only matter so little for she's resolute being "herself" (or this formidable woman she's asserting to be).

it's admirable, yes, i concur, but i must say otherwise for even before progressing to this depth of intimacy i now share w/ her, i was able to look past her intimidating facade&saw her true essence:the potent and passionate xset i've always adored.
the mistaken traits&her own fear of confronting the ample possibilities her talent offers are the barriers hampering her to be her true self. she's her own antagonist."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...You shall no longer take things at second or third hand, nor look through the eyes of the dead, nor feed on the spectres in books,
You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me,
You shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self."

-- Song of Myself , Walt Whitman

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I started looking at things with my own eyes and I formed my own thoughts and dreams; but they're not the thoughts and dreams you thought I should be having. While I got lost in the contradiction of what it is you want me to do and who it is you want me to be you drifted further and further away... and now all of these are just silvery threads in my pensieve. -Moonchild

Of Blast Sites and Rugby Boys

Due to my self-imposed exile from the Philippine media (and at times, the rest of the world) and my inability to afford cable subscription, I own a TV but only use it to watch DVD's. I figured, anything that I want to watch I can get from the internet or from my friendly neighborhood pirates. I don't need to get any more disappointed in the industry that I previously wanted to be a part of, and day-to-day exposure to local news and shows kinda does that. Plus, I have this weird tendency to continue staring at the TV even when I hate what I'm watching. So now, I choose to choose what I watch.

But I digress.

Last night (or was it last, last night?) I got a text message from a friend about the local news calling the Glorietta blast site, "Ground Zero" and how annoying it is that they're hyping things up again. Now, I understand that this is big news. I'm also sorry for the loss of the people whose family members have died in this unfortunate event but come on... Ground Zero???

Lemme get this straight, you're actually likening this to an aircraft smashing into a 110-story building killing thousands of people and striking fear and terror in the people of one of the world's superpowers? Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly in love with the US - I get yelled at every night by the dumb racists who live there - but at times like these, is that all that you can do, create a Filipino version of something that's theirs? By doing that you're actually insulting the people who died and were hurt in Glorietta, all the casualties of World Trade, and heck yes, even the suicide bomber in the 9/11 attack. By sensationalizing the news local media has managed to reduce this into a mere copycat of a much larger thing when we should be focusing on how stupid this actually is. Yes this is stupid - it has accomplished nothing. Did the bomber/s hang around long enough for the bomb to actually blast him/them into pieces as well? People like that guy/those guys should realize that this isn't helping. If you're not satisfied with how things are going around here (i.e., the Philippines) and you can't think of anything that actually would help, you just either think harder or shut up and get over it. Otherwise, if you really need to kill someone, kill yourself. No need to include everybody else. At least the 9/11 bomber had enough sense to make it a suicide mission. Ok, ok, kidding. But really, half-meant.

And so now I go into my second blog topic for today: my apparent desensitization. I dunno if there actually is such a word but my friend told me I was "desensitized" and so I transformed it into a noun to describe the process. My friend saw a couple of kid junkies preparing their night's stash of rugby and commented that it was depressing, and I told him I somehow didn't see it that way. Ergo, the description. Am I? I know that at a certain level I might be, but in this situation, I just thought, "Heck, at least they're happy." Of course I know I have no way of knowing if they actually are happy, but I dunno, I just thought they might be. At least after they get the rugby-high they will be.

Maybe I am desensitized.

Of Burnout and Psychosomatic Illnesses

A few weeks ago I was wondering how I can sleep so little and yet wake up so refreshed and energized, it's like I slept for 8 hours in a king-size bed in down covers with an 800+ thread count. ( In reality, I sleep for about 4-5 hours in an uncomfortably narrow leather couch. See how it amazes me?) During Friday nights I go out to work, I manage to not sleep the whole day on Saturday, sleep a little on Sunday, sleep a little again on Monday and again start the daily ritual of going to work. Not a problem.



Just when I thought though that I had finally managed to condition myself to maximise my time, I went back to my old sleeping issues. Now, I can sleep for 9 hours and wake up as if I'd been running the whole time. I'm tired, I get cranky easily and I feel as if I'm always on the verge of catching a fever, which I never actually catch. (Not that I'd actually want to, but what's the use of feeling sick if you can't excuse yourself from work because of it?) After pushing myself to go to work every weekday for the last 5 months (which is a feat for me, really), I started to not go to work again. I don't feel well, yes, but I stil could've gone there if I wanted to. I didn't have any gimmicks to go to, no other valid reason apart from I don't feel like it. I spent my shift hours alternately staring at my laptop, the TV screen and my ceiling and pestering other people who were about to sleep at their respective homes. Maybe the sudden resignation of 6 people around me (3 of whom were close to me and the other 3 weren't) forced me to re-think my situation and reminded me of who I really was. I'm not this corporate drone I keep pretending to be. I am not this eager beaver desperately wanting the validation of a mentor. Why do I try so hard to be so unlike good old me?

Ugh. Burnout again, eh?

I need to get myself checked tomorrow, er, later. I actually think I made myself sick. My throat's all scratchy, my nose is clogged, and again, that semi-imaginary fever. Last thing I need is to spend money on medicine for illnesses my brain is convincing me that I have.

I need to pull myself together... again... soon.

Restart and Shut Down

It's funny how last week I thought I had it all figured out. I was gonna try and make a difference at work, I was gonna look for ways on how I can do writing-related stuff in the finance field that'd keep me afloat until I get the courage and savings to move outta here, and then I'd actually move out - sometime next year supposedly - and start working on a new career.

It's funny how one weekend can change all that. Almost funny how the people who were supposed to back you up, who were supposed to be happy you were happy would be bitter that you seem to be having the time of your life. Even worse, I wasn't. I was trying to keep it all together so I could stay sane, so I wouldn't be so much of a bitch to everybody and give myself a break, but it was misconstrued, and now I have to suffer. They look at me differently because they think I'm lucky to have this life. Little do they understand that I only look happy from their perspective because they don't look closely enough, that during the times when I feel alone, or when I'm a mess, they're not there, and I'm too stubborn to actually ask them to be there.

They never heard a word from me. I never told them how unfair it was that they only look for me when they need something from me, never told them how hurtful it was that they only seem to value me when I can provide something for them. Even now as I type words into this website that they'd never see, I know it won't matter because they'd never figure out that this is me.

I need to pick up the pieces of my life and draft a plan B real soon, because my plan A won't work. I feel like I'm floating around drifting from relationships - filial, platonic and romantic - and all I really have is myself. I gotta figure things out real soon, I can't afford to fall apart again. Not now when I actually saw an opportunity to change. Not now when for the first time I was actually able to start.

Welcome Back!

3 welcome posts so far. damn, i suck as a blogger!

Hopefully though i'd be able to blog a bit more often this time. Self-improvement project's on the way, goals and deadlines set. Hafta monitor my progress and see what I can actually do with my life when i pull the reins in and try to take control. Need to stop bitchin about the way things are and actually try and do something about 'em instead.

Let's hope it actually takes me somewhere.

This day was just begging to be blogged, I swear. Haha. Had lunch with Yna and Cher earlier at Eastwood, tambay sa Starbucks afterwards to catch up on things, and as usual, bitch about our lives. We were seated at an outside table just beside the shop's glass window (wall?) and another party was seated at a table inside so that twas only the glass between them and us. We were harping on about being jaded, about not wanting to trust relationships anymore and how there doesn't seem to be any good men anywhere when I noticed that the people on the other side of the glass were actually discussing a wedding. Talk about ironic. A wedding planner is briefing a couple about stuff re invites, giveaways, etc. Fate really has a great sense of humor.

I left them after a while because I had to go to greenhills pa to buy a gift for my "baby" (exchange gift sa office 'to, ok?) and lo and behold I saw the one person I never wanted to see for the rest of my life ever. This month had been so weird in the sense that week after week after week I kept seeing guys from my past I no longer have any intention/desire to see. This is after years of not seeing them ha. They just seem to be cropping up everywhere I go. Ngaun pa when I feel like I'm most ugly, with 10,000 pimples preparing to invade my face because of all the christmas chocolates I keep getting and when I really don't feel like dressing up or at making an effort to look presentable. And it really bothers me because, (a) when I get over someone/after someone has gotten out of my life I start to not want to see that person again till the day I die (or he dies, whichever comes first) and (b) if they do see me, gusto ko nmn ung tipong pang tv ad ng facial cleanser ung scenario db, ung tipong hindi naman ako mahihiritan ng negative.

Oh well, I think I handled it pretty well nmn, we exchanged pleasantries naman and all, pero please, destiny, enough with the jokes already. Medyo hindi na sya nakakatawa.

Welcome 2007!

What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
go to an anime convention. hehe

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't think i made any last year, i think i'm gonna make some now though.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
my cousin's wife (although we're really not that close)

Did anyone close to you die?
no, thank goodness.

What countries did you visit?
ha! i wish.

What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
focus. enthusiasm. passion.

What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
can't remember anything specific... oh, no, wait, my birthday pala. not for the obvious reason.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
learning to finally be comfortable alone.

What was your biggest failure?
my last relationship.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
nuthin serious

Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friends'.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
uh, to the people close to me, you know who.

Where did most of your money go?
DVD's and food.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
crushie stuff. haha. babaw. text messages, gimiks. LOL. oh, and my first out-of-luzon trip.

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
-- um, more content.
ii. thinner or fatter?
-- fatter.
iii. richer or poorer?
-- richer. ahahahaha

What do you wish you'd done more?
Spend time with my friends. Read.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
agonizing over spilled milk.

How many one-night stands?
nada

What was your favorite TV program?
jdoramas, animes. hehe. gilmore girls. 6 feet under.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i think i do.

What was the best book you read?
can't think of anything specific, dami e

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Panic! At the disco

What did you want and get?
contentment. (in some aspects of my life. hehe)

What was your favorite film of this year?
Nasan si Francis? (Epi Quizon, Paolo Contis, Rico Blanco)
and i'm sure i forgot a few more pa.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i was 22. cry. (shit.)

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I can't think of anything I'd like to change about this year.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
grunge? ahaha

What kept you sane?
DVD's and books.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jun Matsumoto. hehe. tsaka borgy and bernard palanca pa rin.

What political issue stirred you the most?
I was so out of it.

Who did you miss?
um, him. well, kinda.

Who was the best new person you met?
kris and aiah, princess and ela.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
In the end, you really don't have anyone but yourself.

What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself:
I'm sure there is something, but I can't remember it right now.

The most touching experience you've had this year?
just my friends sticking up for me even after all the shit that has happened.

What did you like most about yourself this year?
My emotional independence. pero it took a while to achieve it.

What did you hate most about yourself this year?
My mood swings as usual.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"i was so lost back then, but with a little help from my friends..." - bridge ng "Smile" by Lily Allen

Was 2006 a good year for you?
hmmm... yeah, it was.Ü

What was your favorite moment of the year?
dami e... mga uwi ko sa cavite, random conversations nmin ni mama, my birthday, though i was really depressed that day, coz it sorta was a turning point for me

What was your least favorite moment of the year?
my "autistic" days

Where were you when 2006 began?
shit, can't remember

Who were you with?
can't remember

Where will you be when 2006 ends?
at ma's

Who will you be with when 2006 ends?
family

Do you have a new years resolution for 2007?
not yet

What was your favorite month of 2006?
dec

Did you lose anybody close to you in 2006?
wag na kc ipaalala...

What was your favorite record from 2006?
smile by lily allen

How many concerts did you see in 2006?
shet wala.

Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2006?
yeah, kinda.

Do a lot of drugs in 2006?
Nope

You do anything you are ashamed of this year?
how much time do you have?

How much money did you spend in 2006?
I don't want to know.

What was your proudest moment of 2006?
me picking up pieces of myself. can't pinpoint an exact moment when that happened

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2006?
again, how much time do you have?

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2006 and change something, what would it be?
staying where i'm not wanted

What are your plans for 2006?
carpe diem!

How are you different now that the year has ended?
I can honestly say that I've matured a lot within the past year

What are your wishes for the new year?
the usual... direction, contentment, happiness.