Waking Up From Deep Slumber

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I know I needed to do something about my life but I'm stuck in a bout of analysis-paralysis; I end up sleeping my days away. A few years ago I felt like I had so much more time than everybody else - I was 18 and fresh out of college. People my age were still in school and are still dawdling with childish pursuits while I was already working. I had a head start on building my adult life... or so I thought. I used to justify my inactivity to myself, thinking I had no resources, not much of a choice; but now that that I've really thought about it I recognize that it's all just a load of BS. I could've done something when I had the chance, if I just pushed myself to move, but I chose not to, and now I'm stuck in a future I never saw myself in 10, 5 years ago.

Still, I've been toying with the idea of trying to wake myself up from this cerebral hibernation and start becoming the kind of person that I once have been. I owe it to myself, I owe it to the people who still believe in me. And so...

I'm trying to take baby steps to change. Small habits that may or may not have contributed to my current "demise" (lack of a better term, sorry, I didn't mean for this to be as heavy as it sounds) would have to be controlled or totally eliminated. If I really want to start an internal revolution I can't keep on this cycle of sleeping-overeating-binge-

drinking-walking-around-like-a-zombie. In keeping with my random personality I'm starting this today instead of on the start of a New Year, or on my birthday. I would like to believe that I can instigate change upon myself whenever I choose to, whenever I want to, so here goes:

1. I resolve to take better care of myself. This encompasses a lot of things such as:

a. Not eating more than what is necessary to satisfy my hunger. I've been such a glutton for quite a while and not only is it unhealthy, it's also kinda stupid. Being with boys all the time aggravate the situation since I tend to follow their eating habits, but they're also starting to watch what they eat now so it should be relatively easier these days.

b. Setting a predetermined number of hours of sleep. I've read somewhere that 8 hours of sleep a day is already excessive for adults; and I stay in bed for (I think) an average of 10. It cuts back on time I can use for productive things and it's making me extremely sluggish and lethargic. Oooh, this is gonna be a tough one, though.

c. Exercising. Again, I'm sluggish, lethargic, and not to mention flabby (though that comes as a secondary concern) and I'm also not getting any younger. I normally go on physically-taxing trips and I figured the back and forth between behaving like sloth and then suddenly like an Amazing Race contestant is not gonna do me any good.

d. More water, more fun. I've been drowning myself in way too much caffeine and beer. 'Nuf said.

2. I resolve to read more and to not use not having internet/network tv/cable at home as an excuse for not keeping up with the times. These days there's no excuse for being ignorant. I'm trying to think of a personal quota on books I can read per month and news websites (legit) I can visit per day. (I'm already following CNN and Time on Twitter, wonder if that helps any.)

3. I resolve to go back to writing - afterall, it had been my passion once. I will not let the threat of mediocrity get the better of me; I resolve to work on getting better at my craft. Again, I wanna try to set a quota and keep on churning out stuff without worrying if they're good or not. Sabi nga ni John Mayer, "... Write one [song] at a time, never apologize for any of them, ever."

4. I want to be able give back to my friends so I wanna start doing little things for each of them. They've done so much for me and yet I feel like I haven't exactly been a great friend lately. Someday, sana, I can be worthy of your friendship.

5. I want to work on being a part of something bigger than myself. I've long since wanted to do volunteer work, to help out on a cause that I actually believe in. Let's see if I can finally do something about it.

Notes About Me From the Raconteur

"Xset's a rather nice young lass lost in a personal pilgrimage towards inner dawning and she still haven't figured that out yet... she's got comfortable (though rather bony) shoulders to cry on, a receptive ear for whining and crappy litanies but she's still not a person's ideal company if one fancy and/or tend to pop out sudden ideas contradicting her own over a cup o' java. she's a devil-womun hidin' behind a portrait of semi-frailty. be forewarned lass and laddies, i'll tell yous, she'll rip yer arms off then shove one down yer throat, the other up yer arse if ye'd get on her bad side."

-The Daily Rambler Magazine, August
issue 1998 by the foolish fawn

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sober Summer Days

I saw her dancing in the rain with saline flowing down her eyes
I think she really lost her mind
I said, “I wish there’s something I can do,”
She said, “Relax you don’t need to,”
“See, I’m just celebrating life”
And she raised her glass and held it tight
Lost within a bubbly doze of detrimental haze
Self-inflicted hell mistaken for a marvelous thing
Lost within a bubbly doze of detrimental haze
Care to step inside the light of sober summer days?
She spoke of magic dusts and poems
And all things missing from her soul,
But now she finally found a sign
Declaring love is finally there
Though it was wrong, she wouldn’t care
She stared down on the bleak concoction’s foam
She felt so right I wish I’m wrong

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"She adamantly dismiss her flaws as traits, etched by fire on stone, defining her as a woman of strength&character. A woman to love or avert;either one you chose wud only matter so little for she's resolute being "herself" (or this formidable woman she's asserting to be).

it's admirable, yes, i concur, but i must say otherwise for even before progressing to this depth of intimacy i now share w/ her, i was able to look past her intimidating facade&saw her true essence:the potent and passionate xset i've always adored.
the mistaken traits&her own fear of confronting the ample possibilities her talent offers are the barriers hampering her to be her true self. she's her own antagonist."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...You shall no longer take things at second or third hand, nor look through the eyes of the dead, nor feed on the spectres in books,
You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me,
You shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self."

-- Song of Myself , Walt Whitman

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I started looking at things with my own eyes and I formed my own thoughts and dreams; but they're not the thoughts and dreams you thought I should be having. While I got lost in the contradiction of what it is you want me to do and who it is you want me to be you drifted further and further away... and now all of these are just silvery threads in my pensieve. -Moonchild