Restart and Shut Down

It's funny how last week I thought I had it all figured out. I was gonna try and make a difference at work, I was gonna look for ways on how I can do writing-related stuff in the finance field that'd keep me afloat until I get the courage and savings to move outta here, and then I'd actually move out - sometime next year supposedly - and start working on a new career.

It's funny how one weekend can change all that. Almost funny how the people who were supposed to back you up, who were supposed to be happy you were happy would be bitter that you seem to be having the time of your life. Even worse, I wasn't. I was trying to keep it all together so I could stay sane, so I wouldn't be so much of a bitch to everybody and give myself a break, but it was misconstrued, and now I have to suffer. They look at me differently because they think I'm lucky to have this life. Little do they understand that I only look happy from their perspective because they don't look closely enough, that during the times when I feel alone, or when I'm a mess, they're not there, and I'm too stubborn to actually ask them to be there.

They never heard a word from me. I never told them how unfair it was that they only look for me when they need something from me, never told them how hurtful it was that they only seem to value me when I can provide something for them. Even now as I type words into this website that they'd never see, I know it won't matter because they'd never figure out that this is me.

I need to pick up the pieces of my life and draft a plan B real soon, because my plan A won't work. I feel like I'm floating around drifting from relationships - filial, platonic and romantic - and all I really have is myself. I gotta figure things out real soon, I can't afford to fall apart again. Not now when I actually saw an opportunity to change. Not now when for the first time I was actually able to start.